At What Age Do Children Learn to Manipulate?

Since becoming a mother, I’ve always wondered at what age children learn how to manipulate their parents.  While I’ve never subscribed to the theory that babies can manipulate by crying and expecting to be held all the time (I always hold my babies as often as they need without any fear of spoiling them.), toddlers and preschoolers are a different story.  My oldest daughter, who turns four next week, is such a loving, caring and sweet girl. But, even she has already started honing her manipulation skills.

Is This Sweet Face Really Capable of Manipulation?

Last night we were all sitting down for dinner, when my 21-month-old toddler didn’t seem to be enjoying her meal like she normally does. When I say this girl can eat, I mean it. She can put away some food. In fact, she eats more than her big sister.  

As dinner was coming to a close, I see my toddler growing impatient. Naturally, instead of sitting quietly and waiting for everyone else to finish eating, she starts crying, whining and demanding to be let down from her high chair.  Typical for a toddler...no surprise there. However, at this age, I’ve learned not to jump the second my kids cry or want something. And, it’s not to torture them. I just think it’s beneficial to everyone in the family when a kid begins to learn patience at a young age.  


In any case, my toddler is still learning. So, out of frustration, when we didn’t immediately let her down from her high chair, she began throwing her food on the floor in protest. At that minute, mid-bite what I really wanted to do was yell at the top of my lungs. Instead, I just rolled my eyes, sat quietly and gave the little girl my evil eye while I finished my meal. 

My oldest witnessed this silent exchange and decided to pitch in and help. She started cleaning up the food her sister tossed on the floor without being asked!  My husband stared at her and proudly declared how remarkably helpful she was for picking up her sister’s food. He looked at me for approval, but for some reason I couldn’t agree. Somehow, I knew my oldest had an ulterior motive for picking up the food. Not that she isn’t helpful, but it’s rare for her to volunteer to clean up without a fuss -- particularly when her younger sibling is involved.  

Next, I looked at my oldest child's plate. It was completely clean. She never clears her plate…EVER! And, that night I prepared a new dish she’d never eaten before, so I was even more surprised when she finished her food. Then it clicked!  The little mastermind wanted something in return clearing her plate. And, cleaning up behind her sister was just the one thing she thought would tip the scales in her favor. 


So, after the floor was clear of the discarded food, my oldest joyfully shared that she’d cleaned up all of Tatum’s food. So, she started staring at me lovingly, and almost as if I were talking to a teenager instead of a four-year-old, I just came out and asked what she wanted. She smiled ever so sweetly and asked for candy. How could I say no to that sweet face? Totally manipulated…I gave in, and let her have that candy necklace from the pantry.

After yesterday, I have no doubt in my mind that young children can manipulate their parents, even if they are sweet, loving little beings. But what’s funny is that even when I realized I was being manipulated, I still gave in to my daughter’s sweetness -- thereby allowing her to control me in a way. But, what can I say? At least I didn’t have to sweep the floor.